Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
