he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
