we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
