Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
