dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
