Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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