I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I party with great urgency now.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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