You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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