I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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