Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
