My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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