Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
