i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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