why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
someone owes me an orgasm
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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