he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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