Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm passing your future prison.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The power of my boobs compel you
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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