Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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