I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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