Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
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