You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
