Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
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But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
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I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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