I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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