The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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