My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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