Don't make out with my wife yet
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
