I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
