sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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