Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
