Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
