also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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