I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
