i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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