Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Dear god my vagina.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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