i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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