i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
