Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
