do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
