a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
