Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
