Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
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I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
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Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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