My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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