Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
