I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
