I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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