Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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