I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
