I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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