So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
