i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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