and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I puked a lego.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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