Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
