we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
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We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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