Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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