and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My hand turned me down
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
