Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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