So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
