We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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