I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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