I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
