fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i love accidental penises.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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