Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize