Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dick very happy bro
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
