I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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